The Burnside Files - Statements

The Bill just wouldn't be the same without its one liners and scriptwriters have saved some of their best work for Burnside over the years.

Of course, it's all in the delivery and Christopher Ellison gives the character style with more than a dash of the toughness that you would expect of a chief 'thief-taker'.

We've scoured the deep recesses of our combined memories to bring you the best of the best, the ultimate in Burnside-isms.

Don't forget, if you've got a classic Burnside quote you'd like to see added to Statements, please email us with the details. We'll give you full credit for the find...we recognise a good 'collar' when we see one.

	"Do you think for one moment I give a toss?" - Just Call Me Guv'nor, 1988 [Avon]
	"Charge her with possession of an offensive mouth." [Avon]
	"Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that." - Family Ties, 1990 [Avon]
	"Modesty was never one of my faults." - Just Call Me Guv'nor, 1988 [Avon]
	To Ted Roach: "You’re supposed to know your enemy, not his wife!" - Know Your Enemy, 1990 [Avon]
	"Things happen to you after five years undercover." - Cover Stories, 1999 [Avon]
	Reference to Tosh Lines and Mike Dashwood respectively: "Where's rotunda and the graduate?" [Moz]
	"I'm not doing sackcloth and ashes over this." [Martella's death] - The Short Straw, 1993 [Avon]
	To Jack Meadows: "I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit!" - Angel, 2000 [Jaye]
	"Unfortunate? Bloody disaster I call it. Two trained detectives and he brushes 'em off like dandruff." - Angel, 2000 [Jaye]
	"Lying takes it outta ya...and I've been lying for a long time." - Cast No Shadow, 1998 [SO]
	To a criminal kissing goodbye to his girlfriend when being arrested: "I'd make the most of that if I were you...where you're goin' the only person you'll be kissin' will have a five o'clock shadow." [Moz]
	"You would be about as much use to me as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition." - Funny Ol' Business - Cops and Robbers, 1984 [Avon]
	"By the time I get a whisper into the Scrubs he'll admit to eating Shergar." [Avon]
	On a obbo with Ted Roach: "Stuck on a roof with Paddy McGinty's goat for company." - Hammer to Fall, 1991 [Moz]
	A blagger, who should be expecting a visit from the filth, answers a knock at his door with "Who is it?". Burnside replies, "Salvation Army, Sister Anna speaking." [Anna]
	To John Boulton: "I am this close to nailing those slags and I'm not having you piss on my parade!" - To Catch a Cobra, 1999 [Jaye]
	Reference to Philip Cato: "That bald headed bastard from Barton Street." [Moz]
	On Brownlow's secretary Marion: "I'd like to do the Lambada with her." [Moz]
	To Sam Philips: "Let your head disappear too far up your arse...it's difficult to see what's goin' on around you." [Moz]
	Five minutes before he flushes his informant's head in the toilet: "I want you to stick with me, Jim. In case I do anything out of order. You're my insurance policy." - Dinosaur, 1992 [Governor]
	"It’s my proverbials which are dangling over the blender." - Cast No Shadow, 1998 [Avon]
	Finding chewing gum in the NCS office: "Bingo! This place is so bloody clean, I was beginning to think I was workin' with androids." [Moz]
	Whilst approaching Stafford Row police station: "It's as cold as a fisherman's bum down here nowadays." - A Clean Division, 1990 [SO]
	Referring to Stafford Row police station: "That building represents us, Alistair. It's modern, clean, efficient, and has precisely no relationship to the buildings in the area around it." - A Clean Division, 1990 [SO]
	On retirement: "I'm not takin' up knittin' 'til I've wiped the grin off Ronnie Buchan's face." - Burnside, 2000 [Moz]
	Reply to being called a dinosaur: "Yeah and I eat insects like you for breakfast, Webber." - A Clean Division, 1990 [Moz]
	Reference to new boss Superintendent Lee: "He's like someone auditionin' for the Labour front bench." - Burnside, 2000 [Moz]
	"If you don't hear from me again you'll know that my ideas were voted down." - Betrayal, 1998 [Avon]
	"...all the imagination of a dead hamster." - Cast No Shadow, 1998 [Avon]
	"Would I wet up your leg, son?" - Funny Ol' Business - Cops and Robbers, 1984 [Avon]
	"We’ve already lost one silly bitch today." - The Short Straw, 1993 [Avon]
	"We’re the Old Bill, not family therapists, thank God." - Principled Negotiation, 1992 [Avon]
	"I don't get stress...I give it." [Di]
	To one of the Roy brothers who were handling stolen Indian artefacts: "He had the shopping list and you were pushing the trolley!" - To Catch a Cobra, 1999 [Jaye]
	To Jack Meadows: "The Krays started off as a couple of wide boys!" - To Catch a Cobra, 1999 [Jaye]
	Teaching Jim Carver the basics of policing: "Never mind about what the guv'nors say, what the public wants is a bit of muscle - helps them sleep at night." - Dinosaur, 1992 [Governor]
	To DCI Reid when he learns of her promotion: "So whose back will you be climbing on next?" - Dinosaur, 1992 [Governor]
	When DCI Reid tries to brush him off: "D'ya know what gets me with you people on accelerated promotion? You never get your hands dirty - not even when you're rubbing someone's nose right in it!" - Dinosaur, 1992 [Governor]
	As Reg walks past carrying a pile of wooden planks: "New heads for 'A' Relief!" - Vital Statistics, 1991 [Governor]
	"We've got enough people moving in mysterious ways with other people's property without you adding to it!" - Well Out Of Order, 1992 [Governor]
	"...ask the real community what they want, they'll tell you loud and clear: cuff 'em and stuff 'em!" - Well Out Of Order, 1992 [Governor]
	A bunch of youths are pelting his car with eggs: "Go on Tosh! Quick! Before they scramble us!" - Into The Mire, 1992 [Governor]
	Frank's last ever line at Sun Hill as a DI: "Whatever she gets up to with that feather boa, I want to know all about it, alright?" - Bare Faced Lies, 1993 [Governor]
	"Unfortunately, it's still against the law to murder absolute bastards." - Lock In, 1999 [Anna]
	Burnside to Tosh, who was objecting that a possible drug offender was a regular churchgoer (and therefore hardly the right suspect): "Bob Marley too was a good Christian, yet he smoked enough ganja to raise the bloody Titanic." - [Tom, all the way from Luxembourg]
	"An arsehole acting as a mouthpiece - must be this new multi-tasking." - Thug on the Tyne, Part 2 - 2000 [Anna]
	"My shining armour rusted up some time ago... I discovered reality." - A Question of Confidence, [Avon]
	"Alistair, there's a callous streak in you I could get to admire." - Beggar My Neighbour, [Avon]
	Michael: "That's what you call harassment." Burnside: "That's what I call gratifying." - The Trap, 1988 [Avon]
	and of course..."You're nicked, you slaaaaaag!" - various episodes [SO]
	Back to top