by Governor, November 2000

Once a year, every year, the world stops. For an all too brief period of 24 hours, people forget their jobs, their lives, their families and their ambitions and begin the slow migration towards Fulham, the birthplace of the living God. Distance is no obstacle for these devoted disciples - their pilgrimige will not end until they have found their Mecca. We are told that in the past these brave souls have willingly left their jobs, sold their houses and completely abandoned their lives in order to reach Fulham by the appointed date. The Date? The 16th of December, more commonly known as International Burnside Day. The Event? The birthday of Christopher Ellison and Frank Burnside, respectively the greatest actor and the toughest copper ever to walk the streets of Sun Hill.

The momentous festivities and the general feeling of jubilation that we associate with International Burnside Day have their roots in very humble beginnings. For many years, the special meaning of this date was known only to Chris Ellison's intimate friends and acquaintances. But this all changed in 1984 when he made his debut on The Bill as DS Tommy Burnside. He was not the most likeable of characters. Indeed, at first people shunned the great man and ignored his birthday - There were audible sighs of relief when he left our TV screens in 1986. But after his second coming in 1988, the public were treated to a glimpse of the true Frank Burnside. No longer hindered by the pseudonym "Tommy" or the disguise of a DS he became known as the Guv'nor or more simply as Guv. And so a legend was born.

The first widespread celebration of International Burnside Day on 16 December 1988 drew millions of Frank's devoted followers to the town of Fulham. Since then, the festivities held on this date have reached unimaginable heights as fans of the mighty Frank Burnside seek to outdo each other in their worship of the master. This fanaticism culminated on International Burnside Day '99 when a 20-mile-high Burnside-shaped bottle of Scotch Whiskey was erected in the heart of Fulham as a monument to the great man. The planned festivities for International Burnside Day 2000 are closely guarded secrets known only to those in the highest positions of the FBI. However, it is rumoured that they will be bigger, bolder and more fantastic than our wildest imaginings.

There are no definite rules about how you should behave on International Burnside Day - you celebrate the master in any way that makes you comfortable. Traditional methods of celebration include dressing up in a crumpled suit and tie, getting a dovetail haircut, drinking a bottle of single malt whiskey, shouting single malts for members of the FBI, flushing people's heads down the kazi, leaning on your snouts, yelling "You're nicked, you slaaaaag!" repeatedly at the top of your voice and falling madly in love with girls called Kim. Of course, the last option is not too popular with Kims, as they are then forced to spend the day eluding hoardes of drunken Burnside fans. However, originality is fast becoming the key to successful Frank worship - if you spend the day dealing with lowlife, chatting up barmaids, nicking villains or annoying Jack Meadows then you may just find yourself becoming an honourary member of the FBI!

International Burnside Day is more than just another celebration - like Burnside himself it has become an institution. It's here to stay, love it or hate it. Just don't forget it.

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